Mall Cops Make Terrible Navy SEALs (A Guide to the Ego)
What the Ego Is Actually Protecting
(And Why That Matters More Than Fixing the Relationship)
It’s easy to understand why most people think the ego is what needs to die. I’ve heard the phrase “ego death” a thousand times, and I said that to hundreds of people for years. The ego itself doesn’t need to do anything. What we, as individuals, need to do is bring awareness to our minds of how the ego functions within us. Awareness disconnects the ego from its ability to drive our behaviors.
I call the ego my Inner Protector. There’s only one caveat to understand. The ego is Paul Blart the mall cop, who thinks he’s a Navy SEAL. So the way the ego is going to protect you is never going to bring the connection that we seek.
The real question isn’t “How do I get rid of my ego?”
The real question is: What is ego protecting?
The Simple Answer
The ego is protecting unconscious emotional wounds that are extremely painful.
Wounds are actually subconscious beliefs we have about ourselves. These subconscious beliefs are literally below your mind’s awareness, these beliefs are our blind spots.
Our “wounds” as they’re often referred to come from having experiences where we as adults perceived that we were
Abandoned
Misused.
Betrayed
Rejected
Despised
These kinds of experiences are not rare.They are the most normal human experiences we can have.
Go and ask a couple people you come in contact with today:
Have you ever felt abandoned before?
Have you ever felt misused, or betrayed?
Have you ever felt like you don’t matter?
Their answers won’t surprise you, because they are the same answers that you gave––Yes. Over the last 8 years I have asked thousands of people during my presentations, retreats and coaching sessions those same questions. Every time, every person answered “yes”.
A Story You’ll Probably Recognize
I grew up learning something very early, without anyone ever saying it out loud:
“You’re better off relying on yourself.” which is usually followed by the mantra “no one is coming to save you.” This is accurate advice for a society and culture that has drifted away from true community–the village–the place where people do come because without you it wouldn’t be the village; because they love one another as they want to be loved.
I heard this advice not because my parents were disenchanted, but because they were drowning without the support of a village. Not because they didn’t love me, but because without a village we would all wonder am I really loved, if there is no one to sit with us in our pain. And I adopted these beliefs for all the same reasons.
Often relying on others didn’t feel quite safe enough or consistent. So my nervous system adapted.
Through these experiences we become independent, self-reliant and begin to develop trust in ourselves as we discover how capable we actually are. However, when these kinds of woundable experiences occur our independence advances into hyper-independence, and our pain begins to torture us, rather than teach us.
On the outside, that looks like strength. On the inside, it’s a child saying:
“If I don’t need anyone, I can’t be disappointed.”
That’s not a character flaw. That’s intelligence in an environment that is contradictory to our innate wholeness.This adaptation recruits the ego to protect those wounds, and maladaptive behaviors ensue. For the truth is, mall cops are terrible Navy SEALs.
Why “Understanding the Past” Isn’t the Point
A lot of people think healing means digging up childhood memories, confronting parents, or reliving the past. Rarely does this ever helps, and I am not aware of any person coming in contact with a direct experience regarding their innate wholeness–which is what healing is–a direct inner experience with our innate wholeness. In many cases, digging up childhood memories, confronting parents or perpetrators is not even possible. Therefore, our healing asks of no such actions. What healing does require is awareness of the wounded beliefs we carry with ourselves.
“we will also see that the imprints from the past can be transformed by having physical experiences that directly contradict the helplessness, rage, and collapse that are part of trauma, and thereby regaining self-mastery.” - Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
Healing doesn’t require rewriting history. It requires making peace with what formed inside you because of it. The ego doesn’t need insight, it needs awareness. The essence of ego is unawareness–unaware of how our Paul Blart-ness is creating more disconnection. The ego does not understand connection, only protection, and it will protect in the most disconnecting ways.
“Jungians view the psyche not as a monarchy, as the ego would have it, or even as a central intelligence agency, but rather as an entity that is polyfaceted, polymorphous, polysemous, polytheistic.” – Dr. James Hollis, The Eden Project
Polyfaceted:
You have many sides. Not one “self,” but different parts that show up in different situations.
Polymorphous:
Those parts change shape. You don’t respond the same way at work, in love, under stress, or when afraid.
Polysemous:
The same experience can mean different things. What expresses as anger might actually be an attempt to avoid fear. What looks like independence might be self-protection.
Polytheistic:
No single part is in charge all the time. There isn’t one ruler inside you. Different parts take the wheel depending on the situation. I prefer Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor descriptions of our brain having “4 Characters” https://open.spotify.com/episode/1JD9cfHZqzSdDWSVcgNXMb?si=nmIbVEn7Q26ZT1xb1l225A
Jungians don’t see the mind as one boss running everything. They see it as a group of different parts, each with its own voice, needs, and reactions. Different parts step forward at different times, and none of them tell the whole story of who you are.
What Relationships Are Actually For
This is where people get uncomfortable. We’re taught that relationships exist to make us happy. They don’t. Relationships exist to awaken us to how these parts show up during our walk on this earth.
Your partner is not here to complete you. Your partner is here to activate what’s unresolved. Hence, the saying “we always marry our unfinished business.” Your triggers are your portals into what needs healing. The ego is too busy protecting our wounds from being touched that it distracts us from what needs healing.
That doesn’t mean abuse is okay. It doesn’t mean staying in unsafe situations. It doesn’t mean tolerating harm.It means this:
The deeper the trigger, the deeper the emotional wound.
You cannot be deeply triggered by someone you don’t care about. If a stranger insults you, you shrug it off. If your partner packs a bag, flinches, pulls away, or threatens to leave—your whole body is emotionally charged, and the ego activates it segway, straps on it’s radio like its AR15 and rolls out to the scene at lightning speed.
Why? Because our painful history just got touched, and trauma is not an event, it’s a relived experience from the past happening in this moment.
What a Trigger Actually Is (Plain Language)
A trigger is not irritation. A trigger is not frustration. A trigger is not disagreement. A trigger is when the present moment disappears, and the past pain returns. We are reliving the past, now.
Your partner becomes:
Your mother who didn’t see you
Your father who left
The betrayal you never recovered from
The moment you learned love wasn’t reliable
You’re not reacting to now. You’re reacting to then, now.
That’s why logic doesn’t work. That’s why explanations don’t land. That’s why things escalate so fast. The nervous system has taken over, and the ego is at the wheel.
Why “Fixing It” Makes It Worse
Here’s the paradox: The more you try to get rid of your wounds, the louder they get. The more you try to:
Control the outcome
Stop feeling triggered
Make the pain go away
“Be better”
…the more pressure you put on the system the faster the ego drives. And what you resist, persists. Healing doesn’t come from fixing. It comes from making peace with what exists.
When a wound is allowed to exist without shame,it begins to soften. Empathy softens. Shame hardens. The ego perceives everything as an attack, and when it is attacked, it fortifies. When we observe the ego, rather than try and destroy it we begin to unify the parts within us.
Individuation
Carl Jung called this process of unification “individuation”. Here’s the plain version: Learning to see yourself clearly without hating what you see. That’s it.
Not blaming your partner.
Not justifying your behavior.
Not collapsing into shame.
Observing.
Seeing.
Owning.
Staying present.
Choosing connection over protection. Choosing connection is a skill that must be practiced.
Jung said this was the hardest work a human can do. He was right. Because it means you stop outsourcing responsibility for your inner world.
Why Presence Is Impossible Without This Work
People love talking about “being present.”
Presence isn’t a technique. Presence is a byproduct. If you’re triggered, you are not present. You are time traveling. You cannot meditate your way out of unprocessed history. You cannot breathe your way out of unresolved wounds. You have to meet them. And when you do, something strange happens: The ego relaxes because you have removed it’s job responsibility to protect. When we realize that as grown, mature adults that there is nothing to protect, the only thing left to do is choose to connect, and it starts within ourselves.
Because it no longer has to protect you from your history.
The Point of All This
This work isn’t about saving relationships. It’s about saving your relationship with yourself, and from here healthy boundaries appear naturally.
When that relationship with self becomes honest and compassionate:
Patterns stop repeating
Triggers lose intensity
Choice replaces compulsion
Love becomes safer
Sovereignty grows
Not because life is perfect. But because you’re no longer at war with what makes you human.
